Please stop scaring me13.02.26

I was awoken in my sleep by an EAS alarm from my phone. I hate loud alarms. They give me much too terrible anxiety. The Emergency Alarm works to get my attention, but I panic to turn it off before even thinking to read what it's warning me about. In this case, it was that a prisoner who escaped and is in the village a 15 minute drive away. Dad said it's not anywhere close but I think that's pretty close.

I was scared again just now when dad called me downstairs, but just as I reached my bedroom door, I hear him rushing up the stairs. I thought something was really wrong. In a panic, he tells me to come with them so I can take out 1000 dollars for them to borrow. They borrow money from me relatively often. It's apparently for some bill, I will get the money returned to me next thursday. Thankfully, mom told him I can just send the money without needing to go to the bank.

I dislike being interested by imagery that makes me nauseous and physically uncomfortable seeing it's real life aquivelent.

I don't want to live in this world not made for me.12.02.26

I wrote a whole entry already but it's gone because my computer went into sleep mode and refused to wake up again. I don't know why it does that sometimes. Well that's too bad. This entry was so positive but now I'm going to cry. My site has been going good, I feel like I've been making progress in recent times. I want to switch to Nekoweb as soon as anything happens to my Neocities account because it has some better espects. That's about what I wrote I think. Too bad. It's too bad. The world has always loved to torture me by having good things happen only to follow it up with everything crashing down. My mind is deffective so I often forget the territories I shouldn't step into will hurt me. I did something terrible and so for that my life is ruined.

I'll try to rewrite just about what I was trying to say. Working on my site has been good. Before, I was trapped in a loop of being stuck on how it looks instead of the content itself which is what was my main reason to make it in the first place. It doesn't feel like the way I do things have changed, although I do feel like I'm making progress now. Right now I'm working on the game guides page that I spent about 2 or 3 hours stuggling with javascript to have the sidebar update automatically on all pages, all just to make things much easier for myself. Half of the time was spent staring at nothing and making up fake scenarios in my head about Dazai honestly. Now that I got it working, it does save time.

Other thing is I want to switch to Nekoweb. I think I said this before already, but I don't want to leave Neocities right now. There's some things that Nekoweb has that I want and can't have on Neocities for free, like status.cafe and polls because external JS. Also the people, I've been talking to people from there. The community feels more small and tight-knit than Neocities, maybe because I'm in there while it's still new and Neocities isn't so new. I'll most likely only switch to Nekoweb after something happens to my Neocities account, because I've seen other people get banned randomly and I feel like I already have roots just a bit too deep into Neocities (existing followers and stuff) to leave of my own volition. I'm don't want to copy paste everything into Nekoweb when I get there, I'll sort of remake everything. It'll be more like a cleanup.

So that's about what I wrote initially.

Kitty31.01.26

The cat previously learned it can lay on my lap and I'll pet him forever so he did it again today. I pet him while watching a youtuber, Daiazal, play a Minecraft horror mod. At one point, the cat repositioned and I put my arm up slightly to support it but I realised too late that my arm was kind of suspended in the air and it started being uncomfortable and I wanted to move but I didn't want to move and accidentally wake up the cat that was sleeping.

The cat sat on my lap and I realized too late that my arm is sort of suspended in the air to support him and now it hurt. Now I experienced for the first time staying unconfortable to keep the cat comfortable.

Untitled26.01.26

I got on Webtiles because I thought of it a some other place to display my site for people to see and I can see other people's stuff, but maybe I should leave it if it's pissing me off so badly. I have the urge to tell people to die. It feels like I'm about to get bullied again. I join along in something with a group of people, I take up my own space, and then everyone messes with it under the guise of a joke or to them it's a fun game. I hate it. I hate everyone that does that. Just leave me alone. The amount of times I see people attacking other tiles and then just not touching shit of it, and by that I mean they leave it blank and leave. They don't even make it look like anything. Stealing just to steal because it's a "game". Sometimes I consider stalking people.

Writing this a bit later. I just remembered that earlier today when I was going to sleep, when I stopped moving and closed my eyes, I could hear the humming of a melody for a few seconds a couple of times. I couldn't tell what it was from but it sounded like a girl standing next to my bed, so I said it's Columbina and tried to listen to it as much as possible. No it couldn't be sleep paralysis again. I was going back to bed and could move just fine.

Untitled25.01.26

Not wanting to hurt anyone kinda sucks when I'm crashing out for days and honestly having the urge to say mean things if they mess with me. Having a crisis while everyone is seeing it isn't very different to when no one saw it.

Plan22.01.26

I'll admit to it now. I had been trying to disappear from the memories of most that already know me by being as little active online as possible and only ever updating this website. This website is to display all of me, for everyone to see. That plan is still ongoing. It's just that I realized it's a bit contradictory to try to be both forgotten and known at the same time. How do I get one person to forget me if the entire world knows me? That's a bit impossible, unless if I were to do something to his brain.

Extra: All these cool nekoweb people and I feel like I'm inserting myself into a place I don't belong. It feels like when I had a crush on a girl and kept trying to be as close as possible and do things for her. I got on neocities before nekoweb existed and my roots have already been implanted too deep to leave now, but if anything did happen to my neocities account than I'm going straight to nekoweb.

Piss off11.01.26

Yesterday I finally was able to go shopping in the city and made the mistake of asking mom to come inside the mall with me because in theWalmart she sometimes suddenly said orders really harshly and I had to try not to cry.

In the food area, there wasn't the regular cabanara buldak noodles which is the only one I ever tried, but there was the cream carbonara flavor. I was looking the the package thinking if I want to buy this one instead and try it but mom starts saying she could pay and if I don't like it than give it to my brother for him to try but it sounded like I'd still be forced to share even if I like it. So I got angry because what the hell no! I'm the one paying for my noodles, these are mine!

I also felt terrible so I put the angel Nijika I got aboved my bed hoping she would help me feel better and felt genuinely sad when it didn't work. I don't think she really cares.

Dreams are weird03.01.26

I got two dreams in a row that ended with a fake wake up. Yesterday I was stuck in a loop of waking up, sitting up on my bed and then I was back to waking up and it went on for like 15 times. Today I thought I woke up at 8AM which is not 8PM which is when I should be awake to get ready for work, so I thought I slept through the entirety of my work day. I was like "Oh no, I think I need to call them oh no" then I woke up for real at 5:55PM so everything is fine. (This one is small because I rushed, beat me on the head)

Neuro-sama & I want to be a VTuber28.12.25

While scrolling Twitter I got a few clips of Neuro-sama in VRChat(I think it was VRChat). I noticed that her voice is robotic, yet she moves so naturally so I got curious to know how she works so I watched this video. It's really interesting to me, since I've wanted to make a friend out of a machine. The idea came to me before I knew of Neuro-sama and from watching Serial Experiments Lain. Anyway I did get somewhat emotional by the end of the video, not sure why.

I want to be a VTuber. I probably should wait for when I get the gaming PC I want to buy before trying to stream with a whole moving model, I think I'd only use a png model or something small with my laptop. I have an idea for what my character would look like. I would say streaming already lags even with my gaming laptop but I learned from twitter that an output setting was set to the wrong thing on default for some reason so I should play Minecraft live agaoin to test it. I talk to myself and am like "I'm so funny" dies

Merry identity(& everything) Crisis ever25.12.25

So I didn't get ramune but I did get the Genshin Impact cookbook. I got to the page with the Sabz Meat Stew and I was like "So this one is funny because the character that has this as his signature dish hates soup so much he turned it into pizza."

Also I don't get it when I didn't do the dishes or didn't have time to obviously they got mad at me, but on days like today when I feel okay about doing the dishes and have plenty of time to, it's done by someone else before I even know.

It's almost Christmas (one more hour)24.12.25

I'm feeling kind of whatever about it. Last year on Christmas eve night, I had a dream that I got presents so bad I cried. Then I woke up and got presents so bad I cried, especially about the sushi making kit even though I stopped wanting to make sushi after we found a good restaurent that has it. Last time I tried to write a Chrismas list for my parents, failed miserably. This time I actually did. I think I did send mom the link for the Rei plush, I hope I get it. I wanted the uniform too but that became unavailable the day after I found it. And I hope I also get the ramune I asked for. It tastes like hi-chew except since it's liquid so it's less hard on my teeth and doesn't make my tummy ache from eating too many.

I really have to go to sleep but18.12.25

I just remembered something that pissed me off so bad. Like, okay so my little brother used this kids messaging app to text his friends and that app is better than Discord at moderating because it automatically flagged and deleted two messages my brother sent. It was able to put two seperate messages together and decide it's innapropriate and delete that automatically. Mom got an email about it and asked him what that's about so my brother explained that he wrote "I'm bricked up" and a picture of his shorts because some asshole on some school trip or something lied to him and said it means that he has cool shorts. No one knew why it was flagged as innapropriate than. It always feels so awkward saying stuff like this so I try to never but I spoke up and said what it means, that it's actually a sexual thing and that's why the app said it's innapropriate and deleted. My dad (who was also there) DOESN'T BELIEVE ME, MOM DOESN'T BELIEVE ME! They're like no that's not possible, little brother is really convinced it just means having cool shorts so what could it be!??! Then some days later dad said that he asked the young guy from his work that he calls "kid" and the guy litteraly probably said the same fucking thing I did and now they believe it!? I FUCKING TOLD YOU! WHY won't you believe ME YOU'RE DAUGHTER BUt then you believe the guy who lITEARLY SAID THE SAME FUCKING THING LIEK RAH

Unreasonable tears, what use do they have other than to bring unwanted attention?12.12.25

During the drive back home from work, dad started to have an allergic reaction a bit worse then usual due the cat rubbing up all over me and he just told me to brush off the cat hair next time, that's all. Normally I half don't care what he feels but seeing that I was a bother, I started crying. It's frustrating because I shouldn't be and I need to hide it.

Not much time later, I was just talking out loud that I want more buldak noodles and he said they're actually going to the city today so they could get it for me. I asked what they're going for because there's two types of trips to the city, one is quick to get just groceries and essentials meaning I can't go to any extra store for my own treats, and the other is not time constraining meaning I can go shop for whatever. I think I noticed him hesitate a bit as he was saying "Shopping" so I got my hopes up a bit because it was the latter and said I want to go. Dad hesitated so bad like I've never seen so I caught on and asked "Oh, is it for Christmas shopping?" and he hesitated even more? I don't understand what's so bad about me knowing that it's shopping for Christmas. When I caught on, I already settled on "Okay, I'll just tell you what it is I want. For right now, not Christmas." It's not even much, it's just the buldak noodles and then ramune and pocky which are sold in one other store, all in the one mall. I wasn't asking them to circle around the city or anything, we've done it like 10 billion times. Anyway, it was the hesitation about telling me that it's for Christmas shopping that made me cry. I just don't understand it. It's not like I don't know that happens it's not like the one family member that still believes in Santa doesn't receive gifts from them at all, that the gifts from our parents have to come from somewhere.

I still want to go to the theater08.12.25

I went and told mom that I don't really want to watch the FNAF 2 movie at the theater anymore because apparently it's more loud jumpscares than the first movie. I still really want to watch it but I'd rather do that at home where I can lower the volume. The loud jumpscares are the one thing I don't like about watching gameplay of the games since I just really don't like jumpscares and I'd rather not experience them movie theater level loud. Since three of us wanted to watch it, mom said everyone is going because brother's birthday so I start looking for a different movie I could watch at the same time. I found the Chainsaw Man movie but mom made it sound like since not everyone is watching it than no one is going at all.(Correction from after: I asked and mom said nothing is really planned even though it sounded like plans to me, and they're thinking of going during the time that they will have off of work.)

Dad washed the dishes today after dinner. It's my chore to do but he was upset that I didn't do it last night because I didn't have enough time so he washed half the dishes and told me to do the rest in the morning and I did. He washed the dishes after dinner today and said like "Since I washed the dishes, you could dry them." I was going to do the dishes but he did it and now he probably thinks he has one over me he can use against me.

Woah, look at that!06.12.25

I had checked my site stats because I was curious and I saw that this large spike happened. I've never seen it reach so many hits before so I wonder what happened. I did update my index page on that day but other than that I'm not sure.

I played Z.A.T.O. today.01.12.25

I don't know what to say. Not in a bad way, but my thoughts are too much to form into words for now. All I can currently think is I have such existential thoughts about how things are meant to be, the way of the world.

I noticed that unlike other medias where I need to read for a long time, my mind didn't wander so much. The sentences actually stuck in my head. It's not like I'm unintrested when it doesn't, but... Actually I don't know what I'm saying. My head is going blank. Just ignore all of this that have nothing to do with the game.

Gaming session30.11.25

Today I played 2, games which is impressive for me. It's rare for me to actually getting to playing stuff. Anyway I played nophenia demo by mel and then MROI by dosogy I'm also going to play Z.A.T.O by Napanamaman. The store page says that it's 7-8 hours long so I'm going to play it tomorrow since I don't have that much time left tonight.

I like the vibe of nophemia. The character is a cute wolfgirl and she can do a cute pose when in picture mode. I like the phone and the way it bounces realistically like when you open a flip phone with your thumb. The locations were intriguing, liminal and lonely, the last being a familiar feeling. It's fun to explore and so I'm excited for the full game.

MROI took me a couple of hours to play. First thing I liked was the motion sickness toggle which helped delay the slowly rising need to puke. (I think it only happens when I'm not very hydrated.) I was mostly okay anyway. The game is of a girl who spends all her time escaping by dreaming but someone invades her dreams. The time limit on dreams and the travelling through locations is like LSD: Dream Emulator except the doors to the locations aren't random which I like since I was able to remember the paths. When I have dreams, many have reacurring locations that I could connect together like my dreams are just me waking up in another world that I live in while sleeping in this world.

My parents think I'm completely normal29.11.25

Looky, it's the stuff I talked about in 02.11.25. I put a lot of the stickers on the wall. I did put up the prints but two of them kept falling so I kept those down after taking the picture and am going to find some other way to keep them on the wall.

Guys help, what do I use to stick the prints on the wall? The double sided tape doesn't work on two of them. Lain can't be on the wall for now, she keeps falling off! ::((((((

I'm also gonna restyle this page too.

when i'm in a silly competition and my opponent is

I haven't really been working on my site as much lately, as much as I did before. But it's not like I'm losing interest or anything, I've just been playing Genshin like 4 times a week and whatever other games and stuff.

I recently have been more interested in learning about Alhaitham because of the recent Sumeru event where Alhaitham and Kaveh made me giggle, rock back and forth and hit my head with their silly. So I've been realizing how much Alhaitham is just like me frfr

(This part is written after having to wash the dishes) The world wants me to have a meltdown man physics and humans begone

Q&A Answers12.11.25

I'm starting to believe most people on the internet are not real, like the dead internet theory. If they are real, some are only there to piss me off. Why are you asking me questions that the answer is already written? Why are you insulting my intelligence by telling me the autoplaying music is useless as if you're going to be attacked by what it's warning about before you can read the warning without even actually checking it yourself which would prove you wrong? I asked for suggestions, not non-existent problems. Get off my everything and eat grass.

My stupid fuckign laptop froze and I lost what I wrote here but basically There are no questions! No answers! NOTHEING. So I stole questions.

This is not a good question i asnwered for tenth time kill me

Coding. Playing video games. Listening to music. Different types of art basically.

The first that I can remember is StampyCat after my friend from at the time showed me Minecraft.

I don't really know. I think I'm agnostic. I would like to believe in it. But I always say, if God is real, He's dead.

I came to the conclusion a while ago that everyone has a purpose. Mine has been the one to be taken advantage of.

My only goal is to print myself into the internet and be known by all.

I have multiple favorites so they are Nikki Carreon, KingAni, FunkyFrogBait and NTTS for Discord stuff.

Humans are nice02.11.25

About a month ago I ordered stickers, prints and keychains from an artist I really like, iewa, but then Canada Post went on strike right after. I thought it was just going to be delayed until the strike is over like last time but I guess the post where the artist is just put it in some locker to be collected. One package got sent back to iewa and one was "collected", probably tossed.

I was waiting for the strike to be over completely (I don't understand what the rotating strike means) before I would email her to make sure delivering it doesn't fail again. Then earlier I got an email from iewa. I was surprised. It basically was saying that one package was returned to her because it wasn't sent to me due to the strike and asked if I want it redelivered or a refund. Already I was thinking "Oh my god, so nice" and said yes I want to retry that sending it here and added that there was a second package of mine but that one was marked as delivered and didn't leave where it's from so I felt confused. I felt fully willing to just pay for it all over again if she was okay with sending another but then she said it's not my fault at all that it's gone so I don't have to pay anything. I know this is probably just normal human kindness or whatever but I've come to expect so little that I got so giddy.

My gums still hurt24.10.2025

I haven't been on here for a few days since a lot happened. By a lot, I mean Genshin Impact got it's 6.1 version update with Miliastra Wonderland. I've been so excited for it for the custom character and the sandbox so that I could flesh out my Genshin OC in the game itself. But the character customization is so bad because the gacha for the outfits is so pay to win, so little you can get without paying real money. It's sad because I was so excited to have my OC in the game itself and take pictures of her in Liyue and other places but I guess not. The other thing was that I ordered Pokemon ZA and it arrived yesterday so I played all night. It's so fun. And while playing Pokemon, the House Flipper Scooby-Doo DLC got released so I got bunch of new stuff I can play.

I went to the dentist today to get a teeth filling. First got a needle in my mouth like five times and each time felt like forever and I cried bad enough. I did good though, I stayed still and let the dentist work anyway, even if I was holding back really hard to not push it away. I was flailing just a little bit. Then when drilling at one of my teeth, I could still feel that one a bit so I really endured the pain of the whole process with that tooth instead of saying anything and probably getting another needle in the mouth.

Am I finally being known?17.10.2025

Since yesterday and before, I noticed how many new followers I got on here. I never got so many at once before. When I saw, I thought "Wow, how did this happen!?" I don't really get it but I think I'm glad people like my site enough to follow. This is no fault to anyone, but sometimes I have urges to change layouts even though I made something I like that feels unique, and the idea in my head is something pretty generic. To ease this sometimes I make the new layout in a seperate html. Sometimes I even end up making something small that I like and just add that to my layout.

"I want to die," I always say and think and want, but I know deep down I don't want to die. I just want a better life. Just now I felt something I never felt before. I started to notice that my wrists were shaky, not my hands but my wrist. My hand was placed down on my mouth but still I never felt it in my wrist even with that. Then I started to notice that I felt hot and sweaty, my face was sweaty like those arts from artists I like. My whole body was shaky at this point. I looked it up on google thinking it was just going to tell me I'm dying (I was already thinking I'm genuinely dying.) Google said anxiety or low blood sugar and so mentally I felt happy, I was laughing at stuff and not feeling anxious at all so I took the low blood sugar and I ate a chocolate chip grenola bar and then the shakiness went away.

While I was writing this, I got a little hot again and then I went to my parents. I told them how I feel and mom felt my forehead. She said I don't have a fever so they said eat something and drink water, so I dumped the rest of my monster and have a glass of water. I think I will avoid energy drinks now, I felt strange even yesterday. My bad health decisions from feeling suicidal are catching up to me and it's only when I genuinely believe that I'm dying is when I regret it.

I want my dad back16.10.2025

When I was little, me and dad would play video games together and I got into anime because of him. When I was rambling about something I like, he listened to me. Sometimes later he complained that I don't listen to him when he talks about what he likes. At those times, I didn't really remember if he talked to me about things, only a few times I remember. I felt bad, I didn't mean to be disrespectful I think. Now I talk like that less. I think I only do if he asks that "So are you watching/playing anything?" and we are somewhat able to talk. Most times I talk like that now he barely acknowledges it. I even recently tried to watch Arcane with him when he was rewatching season 1 to watch season 2. I was playing on his computer because mine was getting fixed and I could hear the Arcane. So after crying over wanting to watch stuff with him again but it felt difficult, I finally went and laid down with him to watch. But then he turned it off because he caught himself falling asleep and didn't want to miss anything. I guess I understand. The next time, he was at episode 7 or 8 of season 2 and I didn't hesitate this time I went to watch with him. But we didn't even reach the end of the episode when he turned it off to leave the house for something he had to go do. I didn't really get it, why turn it on if you were going to turn it off after not even a full episode? I cried and tried to stay there and wait for him but it felt like hours for nothing so I gave up and returned to my room.

Dad used to be my favorite parent, now he's a racist, transphobic right-winger that really believes Trump would have the ability to things the problems of countries that he's not even president of (instead he's actually fuelling it.) At 17 I was scared of him knowing I like girls because I thought he would be homophobic, he's not but he thinks non-binary people are impure "because Jesus". My sister had a teacher who's non-binary and I heard dad say that they were okay before they identified as non-binary because now they're not pure anymore and "It's an insult to your gender." I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. He deffinitely doesn't know the difference between sex and gender.

There was the time mom was the one driving. We were in the truck in a parking lot. Behind us there was a car blocking blocking our way and in front of us was the small road behind the store. Mom didn't feel comfortable trying to go through there because it's too small and wanted to wait for the car to finish moving out of the way but dad pressured her into just going through there. Mom tried because he pressured her so hard but of course she was nervous and accidently bumped into one of the orange things like a cone but its taller and it dented the side of the truck. Dad got super mad at her for it and for driving there when that would happen as if he's not the one that pressured her and then forced her to have them switch for him to drive. He banned her from driving the truck when he's there. When we got home, they were looking at the dent and when I got out, I was looking at it too from behind them. Then dad told me to go inside. That scared me really bad. When mom and dad argue, they never cared if we were around. I never saw one time that they made anyone leave them alone for that. So because of how dad reacted during the drive, I got really scared and thought dad was really about to hit mom. So when I went inside I ran to a window and secretely watched the entire time. He didn't hit mom so that was good but I was really scared. I had to then pretend like I was just putting the groceries away when they came inside. And I still remember that time after when I actually got to tell mom I was really scared that dad would hit her and she just brushed it off and said like "Oh he would never do that" even though he says he would.

It's the end of the world15-10-2025

I can't take any of this anymore. The world is going to end soon, it doesn't care about me either. "The world loves me!" "The world hates me." I always alternate between the two whenever anything really good or really bad happens.

Human greed is killing the planet. Dumb generative AI is killing my computer (Microsoft deciding they wanted to make 30% of the code of an update by AI and now my computer has crashed 3 times today.) If this laptop breaks, it's all over for my mental.

I did see the beginning of another end of the world in dreams, caused by explosions of power.

I want to be in a Rotten Mango doc. I want to be seen by the internet like Nevada-Tan and Rorochan_1999, like the mentally ill kids/teenagers that needed help. Maybe It's because I feel like that I guess. My entire life it's been so clear but no one really cared all that much other than one friend and one teacher that only noticed anything by the time it was too late. Anyway I want to be known on the internet like that. I don't want to hurt anyone so the best I could do would be suicide on livestream. I've been posting on Youtube, I'm just waiting for some youtuber to talk about it and for me to innevitably get angry at them getting everything wrong.

Everytime I think about it, I feel jealous of other kids. I really don't understand it how some even have neglectful parents and they still got help. My dad just thought I had paranoid schizophrenia(like his brother) at 5 years old because I was violent but when he figured out it wasn't that, suddenly nothing is wrong with me, even though I was still violent. I kept getting angry or overwhelmed or I don't even know and hit or pushed my sister so many times. They always punished me by taking away my electronics so I just associated hitting with no electronics and not hitting is bad. I didn't fully get how I was affecting others. I'm still violent, I can just hold it in, even if it makes me worse. I can't hit or break things or else dad gets mad. I can't cut myself either, I wear shorts and t-shirts too much without thinking so I would be found out too easily.

I kind of hate looking at any discussion about Bungo Stray Dogs because most things I see is people getting things so wrong. Like what the hell is "Dazai doesn't self-harm because he canonically hates pain." Like, not everyone that self-harms likes the pain. That's kind of what self-harm is, it's self punishment in many cases. I no [forgot what I was gonna write]

I want online friends but how the hell do I kill this social anxiety? Or just kill me. Make sure the internet everything that's happened to me.

Miss high school drama. Nearly got killed and I became so paranoid I started genuinely believe it would be okay to bring a weapon to school for self-defence but at least it was interesting.