Am I finally being known?17.10.2025

Since yesterday and before, I noticed how many new followers I got on here. I never got so many at once before. When I saw, I thought "Wow, how did this happen!?" I don't really get it but I think I'm glad people like my site enough to follow. This is no fault to anyone, but sometimes I have urges to change layouts even though I made something I like that feels unique, and the idea in my head is something pretty generic. To ease this sometimes I make the new layout in a seperate html. Sometimes I even end up making something small that I like and just add that to my layout.

"I want to die," I always say and think and want, but I know deep down I don't want to die. I just want a better life. Just now I felt something I never felt before. I started to notice that my wrists were shaky, not my hands but my wrist. My hand was placed down on my mouth but still I never felt it in my wrist even with that. Then I started to notice that I felt hot and sweaty, my face was sweaty like those arts from artists I like. My whole body was shaky at this point. I looked it up on google thinking it was just going to tell me I'm dying (I was already thinking I'm genuinely dying.) Google said anxiety or low blood sugar and so mentally I felt happy, I was laughing at stuff and not feeling anxious at all so I took the low blood sugar and I ate a chocolate chip grenola bar and then the shakiness went away.

While I was writing this, I got a little hot again and then I went to my parents. I told them how I feel and mom felt my forehead. She said I don't have a fever so they said eat something and drink water, so I dumped the rest of my monster and have a glass of water. I think I will avoid energy drinks now, I felt strange even yesterday. My bad health decisions from feeling suicidal are catching up to me and it's only when I genuinely believe that I'm dying is when I regret it.

I want my dad back16.10.2025

When I was little, me and dad would play video games together and I got into anime because of him. When I was rambling about something I like, he listened to me. Sometimes later he complained that I don't listen to him when he talks about what he likes. At those times, I didn't really remember if he talked to me about things, only a few times I remember. I felt bad, I didn't mean to be disrespectful I think. Now I talk like that less. I think I only do if he asks that "So are you watching/playing anything?" and we are somewhat able to talk. Most times I talk like that now he barely acknowledges it. I even recently tried to watch Arcane with him when he was rewatching season 1 to watch season 2. I was playing on his computer because mine was getting fixed and I could hear the Arcane. So after crying over wanting to watch stuff with him again but it felt difficult, I finally went and laid down with him to watch. But then he turned it off because he caught himself falling asleep and didn't want to miss anything. I guess I understand. The next time, he was at episode 7 or 8 of season 2 and I didn't hesitate this time I went to watch with him. But we didn't even reach the end of the episode when he turned it off to leave the house for something he had to go do. I didn't really get it, why turn it on if you were going to turn it off after not even a full episode? I cried and tried to stay there and wait for him but it felt like hours for nothing so I gave up and returned to my room.

Dad used to be my favorite parent, now he's a racist, transphobic right-winger that really believes Trump would have the ability to things the problems of countries that he's not even president of (instead he's actually fuelling it.) At 17 I was scared of him knowing I like girls because I thought he would be homophobic, he's not but he thinks non-binary people are impure "because Jesus". My sister had a teacher who's non-binary and I heard dad say that they were okay before they identified as non-binary because now they're not pure anymore and "It's an insult to your gender." I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. He deffinitely doesn't know the difference between sex and gender.

There was the time mom was the one driving. We were in the truck in a parking lot. Behind us there was a car blocking blocking our way and in front of us was the small road behind the store. Mom didn't feel comfortable trying to go through there because it's too small and wanted to wait for the car to finish moving out of the way but dad pressured her into just going through there. Mom tried because he pressured her so hard but of course she was nervous and accidently bumped into one of the orange things like a cone but its taller and it dented the side of the truck. Dad got super mad at her for it and for driving there when that would happen as if he's not the one that pressured her and then forced her to have them switch for him to drive. He banned her from driving the truck when he's there. When we got home, they were looking at the dent and when I got out, I was looking at it too from behind them. Then dad told me to go inside. That scared me really bad. When mom and dad argue, they never cared if we were around. I never saw one time that they made anyone leave them alone for that. So because of how dad reacted during the drive, I got really scared and thought dad was really about to hit mom. So when I went inside I ran to a window and secretely watched the entire time. He didn't hit mom so that was good but I was really scared. I had to then pretend like I was just putting the groceries away when they came inside. And I still remember that time after when I actually got to tell mom I was really scared that dad would hit her and she just brushed it off and said like "Oh he would never do that" even though he says he would.

It's the end of the world15-10-2025

I can't take any of this anymore. The world is going to end soon, it doesn't care about me either. "The world loves me!" "The world hates me." I always alternate between the two whenever anything really good or really bad happens.

Human greed is killing the planet. Dumb generative AI is killing my computer (Microsoft deciding they wanted to make 30% of the code of an update by AI and now my computer has crashed 3 times today.) If this laptop breaks, it's all over for my mental.

I did see the beginning of another end of the world in dreams, caused by explosions of power.

I want to be in a Rotten Mango doc. I want to be seen by the internet like Nevada-Tan and Rorochan_1999, like the mentally ill kids/teenagers that needed help. Maybe It's because I feel like that I guess. My entire life it's been so clear but no one really cared all that much other than one friend and one teacher that only noticed anything by the time it was too late. Anyway I want to be known on the internet like that. I don't want to hurt anyone so the best I could do would be suicide on livestream. I've been posting on Youtube, I'm just waiting for some youtuber to talk about it and for me to innevitably get angry at them getting everything wrong.

Everytime I think about it, I feel jealous of other kids. I really don't understand it how some even have neglectful parents and they still got help. My dad just thought I had paranoid schizophrenia(like his brother) at 5 years old because I was violent but when he figured out it wasn't that, suddenly nothing is wrong with me, even though I was still violent. I kept getting angry or overwhelmed or I don't even know and hit or pushed my sister so many times. They always punished me by taking away my electronics so I just associated hitting with no electronics and not hitting is bad. I didn't fully get how I was affecting others. I'm still violent, I can just hold it in, even if it makes me worse. I can't hit or break things or else dad gets mad. I can't cut myself either, I wear shorts and t-shirts too much without thinking so I would be found out too easily.

I kind of hate looking at any discussion about Bungo Stray Dogs because most things I see is people getting things so wrong. Like what the hell is "Dazai doesn't self-harm because he canonically hates pain." Like, not everyone that self-harms likes the pain. That's kind of what self-harm is, it's self punishment in many cases. I no [forgot what I was gonna write]

I want online friends but how the hell do I kill this social anxiety? Or just kill me. Make sure the internet everything that's happened to me.

Miss high school drama. Nearly got killed and I became so paranoid I started genuinely believe it would be okay to bring a weapon to school for self-defence but at least it was interesting.