June 6 2023

I got called cute today. I've never been called cute before and I don't like how I look so it caught me off guard. It was ••••••. She was the one who called me cute. And then she said it again at the end of the day. I always wanted to look cute. Then •••, ••••• and •••••• said I looked like a tomato.

August 13 2023

Looks like even when I'm not in school anymore I still get shouted at by passing cars.

August 30 2023

I've been stolen of my chicken nuggets for the third time. I swear I had 7 and now I have 6. I'm just going off memory so next time I will take a picture of them.

September 19 2023

Sometimes I have dreams like last night where I fall off of something like maybe the second story balcony from last night's dream. I fall and then the next thing I know I'm laying on the ground after landing. I don't feel any pain. I did not feel the impact. It's like when you are physically unable to move after falling. It feels like that type of thing happens a few times in dreams in the past despite me not remembering any instance of it. Although the moment is oddly comfortable. Lying there unmoving and feeling no pain despite the height of my fall. The comfort began when I let myself fall.
I did not attempt suicide. The balcony collapsed from under my feet.

Someone has been Quote retweeting some of my posts. So far, these posts consist of "he kept looking at me though" "why" "So were those words you said all a lie then?" "my phone camera has an astigmatism" "maybe I'll have to accept that I'll never have anyone" "I don't like the dark" "I still think of you" "i've seen that 4chan is a bad place but it intrigues me" "I had another nightmare of my dad shouting at me and I woke up crying" "there's a bit of a hurricane" "I'm late. I was very late. If only I had waited a few more minutes"
I wonder who it is that is quote retweeting my posts and what they are saying, but I do not want to ask yet.

September 27 2023

New quote retweets from private acc on my tweets "my diary entries go from complaining about stolen chicken nuggets to describing a dream that I did not feel pain nor was I able to move after falling off a high place yet it felt very comforting" "sometimes it doesn't feel real when I wake up after 4 hours of sleep" "I hope my dentist is proud of me. I've been brushing my teeth everyday" "it doesn't feel like I slept at all" "I slept through my alarm" "they go from failing at bullying us to trying to save it by talking like when we were still friends thats embarrassing" "It feels like there's a pill stuck in my throat even though I didn't take any" "I'm gonna be left alone again I just know it" "Who is quote retweeting some of my tweets I'm curious" I suspect it's •••••• and •••• but it could also be completely someone else.

October 12 2023

I get making your kids do chores but it feels like it's all being dumped on me just because I exist. I always got yelled at if I didn't do it right. I almost got yelled at again yesterday because she thought I didn't fully do the laundry. She raised her voice already before I could explain that it looked like the washer didn't get turned on because I moved the clothes around to look for something. They just make us do chores because we exist and they dont want to. I might get yelled at for forgetting to do part of the laundry. Dad told me to go get the mail again even though he drives around constantly. He could easily just drive 30 seconds and go get it himself. They have the only keys for the mailbox. I have to wait for mom to get back home.

I hate my parents. I kept telling them I feel suicidal. I feel miserable. They just keep saying it's normal or that I'll get over it. Dad doesn't believe that getting professional help will help at all. He yells at me when I say I want it because he keeps saying I need to wait but I can't wait a year. Its not supposed to take a year for me to get professional help. I don't like manipulative people but I might threaten to hurt myself.

October 26 2023

So that private account that kept quote retweeting me is just •••••• on another account that I couldn't see because it used to be private now it's not. He's just being mean for no reason. I miss him less.

November 23 2023

Ever since the fair, •••••• has been texting me every month saying "hey" with multiple "y"s along with some other message and/or video. Today was the November message. "heeyyy /n how's it going?". I don't want to talk to him anymore really. I've come to realize how mean he is when I watched him harass ••• by calling her a pedo and accuse her of abuse against ••••. Even though he's never done anything bad to me (not that I know at least), I don't want to be friends anymore with him. I don't want to be friends with someone who will be so mean to my friend but then will probably still be nice to me. This world is unfair and everyone should die.

Update 2 seconds later: I just remembered that he abandoned his old Twitter account and started using a new one that was private at the time. He kept quote retweeting my tweets and was being mean to me. So he did do something bad to me. Still, I want the world to die.

I wish I could've killed myself in front of everyone. I wanted to bring a knife to school for self-defense. I think having a knife for self-defense is fine. I wasn't going to use it at school. I was going to have it ready for when I am walking outside alone if those guys decided to try to harass me while I would be alone. I couldnt fight on my own. I rely on others.

November 24 2023

I just remembered that time in primary school when I hung out with ••••. One day he was really crying during recess. He was crying because his parents divorced but I didn't understand that concept. I just saw him sat down there balling his eyes out and I was just standing there thinking "He's crying. He's sad. I don't understand/know what to do."

November 25 2023

••••••• messaged me again on Discord. Last time was exactly six months after we stopped talking and then today, six months after that. I somehow expected it so it wasn't much of a surprise since I saw him being online. He always appears offline so I expected something like this to happen. He wrote "yo i know we have had our ups and downs and im truly sorry about that after this past year ive changed a bit and became better and more respectful and id like to talk if we can to be honest i really miss our normal friendship i hope we can talk again and i really am sorry for what i did in the past it wasnt right and i realize it now hope we can just at least talk" I don't want to talk to him. He messages me like every six months and •••••• does once every month. Why is it that these people who hurt me are trying to talk to me again?

November 29 2023

Oh no. Someone on a private account quote retweeted my tweet. •••••• stopped a while ago when he made the account he was using public. I checked and that account is still public. So unless he made a third account, I don't know if it's him, •••• on a private account, or some random person. If this is not the only quote retweet I get, it's going to eat me alive.

December 12 2023

I messed up really bad and didn't wake up from my alarm when I was supposed to for my little brother. Now my mom's gonna really hate me. I've cried really bad for like half an hour or something. I almost cut myself for it. I didn't cut myself but I did hit myself in the head. I wanted to hit my knees against something hard like that time at the park. I'm so fucking stupid I should just die.

Feburary 7 2024

Yesterday •••••• messaged me a bunch saying he wants to reconcile and I didn't know what to do so I texted •••. Today I determined that ••• probably does think of me anymore since she was online but didn't reply so I deleted my messages to ••• and responded to ••••••'s good morning text. Now next week I'll go hang out with him again. I was thinking that's really fast to plan to hang out but also I think it's normal for other people. Also I knew him for years already so it's not actually too fast. I'll bring money for myself but I'm too broke, I don't want to be the wallet and pay for everything. Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if if he thought of more to it then just hanging out. Like I can imagine being on one of those YouTube videos years later talking about my death or dissapearence like "she told her family she was going to go hang out with a friend and never came back". I'll just shower now, and I'll see how it goes then.

April 26 2024

Mom was screaming at everyone from outside of my bedroom, blaming everyone for something that isn’t anyone’s fault. I was in bed, doing what I usually do. Watching Youtube videos on my TV and using my laptop.

At first, everything was fine and I was feeling alright, but then I felt down again. I’m not sure why. Maybe from mom yelling, or maybe from remembering when I was told that someone who used to be my friend called me weird but the reason was forgotten so I’m left to wonder why. I felt down, like the feeling of wearing comfy baggy clothes, listening to gloomy music and silent tears fall. Except I didn’t feel tears yet. Not until I had begun to realize that sadness is that emotion I’m experiencing. The emotion I feel whenever I have these moments of just laying or sitting down there alone and listening to that sad music. It’s happened a lot. I never know how to describe the feeling. I didn’t know what emotion to call it. It was only during this realization that I started crying.

April 28 2024

My parents came home and my mom gave me a plum they bought for me because it’s a fruit I really like. I left my room and went to the kitchen so I could eat it but I had to go to the bathroom because the mild stomach pain I was having suddenly got so bad I threw up. Specifically the pain was really bad on the bottom right side of my stomach. Mom said she would look up if it’s the same side as appendix and it is. She also asked like five times if I want to try to just take some advils rather than going to see a doctor or hospital. I kept saying hospital. After I was done in the bathroom even though I was still hurting a bit, mom gave me two advils and a tums and then I went back to my room but I stopped playing my video game and started watching Youtube and using my laptop instead so I could be laying down mostly. Mom came to see me in my room. She asked me more questions and then she said that since the pain is gone now after the advil and tums that I probably don’t need to go to the hospital. I could still make them take me there if the pain continues.

I don’t know honestly I just wrote this because I didn’t like how fast they were to say that I’ll be alright after taking pills.

May 9 2024

It’s been about two weeks and I’m still sick. Just my throat clogs and I have to cough to be able to talk sometimes. I don’t know. I don’t feel well, but I’ll just get over it. My parents suggested taking me to the doctor two or three times but then just gave me tylenol and stuff. I don’t want to do my chores, I don’t feel good enough for that.

Dad said I’m old enough that I should tell them if I want to go to the hospital, but I did. I did insist I wanted to go to the hospital two weeks ago when I had pain in my abdomen so bad that I threw up. They keep suggesting to maybe take me to the hospital and then just give me pills.

It’s like my well being doesn’t actually matter to them. No, not “it’s like”, it is. My parents don’t care about me. They don’t care about me.

May 9 2024

My dad is finally going to take me to see a doctor. I keep trying to explain my throat doesn’t hurt, it more feels like a buildup in my throat that makes it feel a bit weird to talk, but it does not hurt. My dad keeps insisting my throat hurts. He asked me if the tylenol he gave me helped at all. I said no. There was nothing for the tylenol to help. He asked if it helped with my throat hurting but my throat never hurt. I don’t understand why I even try to explain anything to him, he never listens. They don’t ever listen to me.

May 13 2024

I was going to write yesterday after the doctor called but that never happened. Sometimes I still feel my throat trying to kill me. What if I have strep throat. Dad said it could make me permanently unable to speak. It’s not like anyone cares anyway.

May 18 2024

Last week it started again where I have to wake up really early to help my brother get ready for school and then I have to do the dishes and the laundry and sweep the floor. I know that it’s like since I don’t have anything else then my parents can dump everything on me since they have work but I just feel like I’m being used all the time.

May 19 2024

Last night at about midnight I was just watching youtube and using my laptop like always but I suddenly stopped when I heard a noise. It sounded like the food wrappers moving around. When I stopped to listen to it, it stopped. I heard it again a while after. I was really scared since I couldn’t even tell where it came from. At first I thought it was from my bedroom door, thinking it was probably one of my parents I heard. Then I thought it could be from outside my window, getting paranoid that someone is probably watching me through my window but I didn’t see anything. Then I thought it came from under my bed. I thought it was a person maybe, but I had the most rational thought that maybe it’s just a mouse.

Today after I woke up and ate, I pulled out my stuff that I had under my bed and found that there’s a hole under my bed. Not in the floor but in the material that is the underneath of the bed. It was right where I had something there so I thought a mouse could’ve used the thing I had there to climb up and make the hole in the bed to go in there. When my dad woke up, I went to tell him I heard noises and he said it is a mouse and that mom even almost accidentally stepped on it last night when she was going to the bathroom. My dad put a mouse trap under my bed. At least now I know it wasn’t more than just a mouse and I wasn’t hallucinating like I thought I could’ve been.

June 9 2024

I didn’t write for a long time. I wish I could live in a city like Japan where I can walk everywhere because I can go outside at night and I want to live alone. I feel like I’m just the person who everything can be dumped on. I don’t like being used. I want to make more of youtbe vidoes but I don’t know.

June 14 2024

I’ve spent 8 hours yesterday trying to fix the disc drive in my dad’s old PS2. I manage to get it to read the disc since it wouldn’t used to, but it would only load the game for a couple of seconds, getting past a couple of logos before crashing. I tried today to keep fixing it but I stopped pretty quickly since I had no more ideas and I was tired. I didn’t give myself a break at all since I wanted it fixed for tomorrow but I had to stop since I was going to start crying over it. I’m really tired.

June 17 2024

I don’t understand. Why won’t anyone help me? Why won’t anyone just talk to me without shouting?

June 24 2024

I like writing. I like writing on and on about things that I like but I never really had some place to do it. Here on tumblr, I can’t like I want to because I want it to be like I have one section where I can write on and on for however long about one topic and it’ll stay in that spot. I guess I could do that on Tumblr but I’ve always wanted to make myself a site where I can do that. I finally figured out how to use Neocities a while ago without worrying about the long delay in the stuff loading to even know if my code worked. It’s fun to code and make my own site look like whatever I want with no restrictions. Even if most of the time I don’t know what to put, It’s fun.

June 23 2024

I feel so stupid. I couldn’t write properly basic grammar in my own language and even my friend judges me about it. They talk about smart stuff and I don’t understand it. I don’t understand it. I don’t want to think anymore. Seeing always that one specific guy in the server talking with anyone makes me feel so braindead. I do think he’s cool and he’s really smart and is able to live while here I am just feeling stupid by just watching him talk. I see people talk about things that I feel would be so basic that I should understand but I don’t and it makes me feel so bad I cry and want to hurt myself.

June 26 2024

Today I ate salad because it tastes really good. I made it with lettuce, mozzarella cheese, bacon bits and caesar salad sauce. And then I hard boiled and egg and put it on top. It tastes really good so I took a picture. I made it since I didn’t have some in a while. I like eggs.

July 14 2024

I want to go hang out around town again now that I have enough money that I don’t panic over not being able to afford the smallest thing. I like walking around where there’s the place I can stay at and then all the stores and everything is less than an hour walk away.

I like walking around outside but I’m almost always paranoid that someone is looking at me maybe. Judging me or getting too close. I know I’m always just being paranoid so I listen to music while I walk and it helps distract me.

Even if I’m alone, it’s fun to walk. I go to the gas station and then the park and I sit on the swing for an hour or however long and if no one is on the playground than I go and sit there. There was the time I found a basketball laying around so I spent a while throwing it at the basketball hoop next to the school.

I spent time outside like that and I return back to the house I would be staying, reasons differing. Sometimes it’s to go back to using my computer or I’m bored or it’s too cold out or it’s getting dark or I’m tired or feeling sick.

I really want to go back and do that. I want to go like before, but not what I described here.

July 14 2024

I always ask stupid questions. The answer is obvious but I don’t know it. I ask a stupid question and then the person I ask it to answers like I’m stupid. I am. I can tell they think I’m stupid. The answer was said just two minutes before and I still asked the question. I’m really not the smartest. I don’t know how I’m alive still. I don’t even know how to do basic things. I don’t know how to eat properly. I don’t know how to do very much at all.

July 28 2024

I treat this like a journal but always forget it exists beccause it’s toomuch that it’s too much to think. Well today I cded and I couldn’t make the popup menu so I gave up and now I’m eatinv chocolate and drinking monster.

August 2 2024

Why do I feel jealous? I’m pathetic, aren’t I? Yeah, that’s what I am.

August 5 2024

Today I ordered my first thing online by myself without having to go to my mom first. I ordered a poster of this art by Chew (ChewChewer on Twitter) and I ordered it from his site.

I really like his art and Nyan (the one in this art) is an angel, she is my favorite.

August 6 2024

Which one of my thoughts are grounded in reality and which ones are delusional? Am I actually delusional if I might be aware that I’m delusional? Is that delusional in itself?

August 15 2024

I remembered about this and thought I'd write about something good that happened. I passed my written drivers test on my fourth try. Last monday, my dad took me in the car and drove me to a long empty road where he had me drive for the first time. I was able to drive straight down the road. I wasn't used to it yet so it was a bit shaky but I drove the car mostly on my own. He made me turn around in a driveway and he moved the steering wheel since I couldn't do that myself yet, but I did press the gas and stuff. I drove a car. I never really wanted to do it that much but now it feels like once I have my lisence, at least I'll be able to leave way more.

August 29 2024

Rewatching Nick Crowley’s Youtube’s Darkest Channels 2 video. People react like autism makes you some sort of alien. I wouldn’t be surprised if my parents also tried to kill me.

September 2 2024

Today I drove the car again. It was on another dirt road since I'm not good enough yet to drive on the road. It was the second time I drove the car and there were turns. It feels weird to turn right now. I turn the wheel enough and I know it because the car turns enough but it doesn't feel like it was good. I know it's 'cause I'm not used to it though. We also went into the forest where it's land we own. Down the trail, my dad, uncle and all of them have a camera and thing of salt set up to see animals and there's a high up cabin they built to hunt in. While driving back out, I saw a rabbit.

September 8 2024

While still living with parents is the worst time to have depression. Yeah, depression is always bad, but when you’re still living with you’re parents, no one takes it seriously. They say you have no reason to be depressed, you don’t have to work a job, you’ll grow out of it, just an attention seeker. You also have less autonomy. There’s always the risk that the cause of the problem gets notified and it just makes everything worse. Your bedroom is the only safe space and they wonder why you don’t come out of you’re room, they even get mad.

September 18 2024

I went driving again today. At first I didn't want to because I had to do a bit more chores than usual and had to finish it before dinner but my dad took me driving anyway. He drove the car into a road with less cars. I drove in that, this time driving on my side of the road instead of in the center like I did before when I wasn't as used to driving. It's only my third time, but after, I drove on the actual road and pulled into our driveway when we got home. I'm still trying to figure out keeping consistent speed and breaking for a turn. I was always a bit scared to drive, thinking I can't do anything right so I'd just crash. I don't know how fast other people learn to drive but I feel like being able to drive on the main road and even pulling into my driveway is good for my third time.

September 24 2024

Haven’t written. Nothing going on. I just work on my Neocities website. Sometimes I try to but have no idea what to add and I feel bad. I like it though. I always wanted somewhere online I could write endlessly about things and it would be I fully customized pages all around that thing. I remember trying to do that with carrd a few times, tried to write as much as I could for free by not paying for pro. Neocities can fit a lot more though, more customizable because I do the code and it’s not just sliders. Plus it’s all free which is great.

September 27 2024

My ear has been hurting for like three days and today my dad made me try to call to get a doctor appointment but I spent over an hour trying to call and it didn’t work. I gave up after since I’m in pain. I feel this feeling that I don’t know what it is, it’s like anxiety but it’s not. I don’t know. Sometimes I wish I could just live in my dreams even the one like two nights ago,

October 3 2024

I’m watching Stephanie Soo videos but it’s her Rotten Mango channel where she talks about true crime and stuff. I found she made a video about Yuka Takaoka so, yeah I pressed on it fast. At the start, she’s talking about how host and hostess clubs are which was interesting. At one point she mentions something that Yuka did when she was in school, she would get mad and throw a chair at a person and I remember I did that in 4th grade when I threw a chair at a guy. The reason was stupid, I didn’t want to give up my turn on the computer, but I don’t regret it. I don’t care. They laughed at me which made me more angry.

October 4 2024

It’s okay to make mistakes, but it’s not okay to make too many mistakes. It’s out of control.

November 1 2024

Today after I got a flu shot I went into the mall with my mom and brother just for a walk to try and feel better since I was nauseous (I felt like puking the whole time). Anyway so when we entered the mall there was a police officer standing off to the side and watching. After we were done at walmart, we were walking through the mall again, we passed by one bench where the same police officer and another one were handcuffing a guy. When we were leaving, they walked past us and talking to the guy. I heard the word warrant so I think that the guy had a warrant for his arrest and the police found that he was in there somewhere. It was the first time I saw someone getting arrested in person (specifically in the getting handcuffed part) so I thought it was really cool. I had to stop myself from smiling.

November 8 2024

When I was little, probably about 10 years old, this guy I was friends with came to school really sad. During recess he was sitting on the steps and crying and I think it was a girl from his class was comforting him while I was just standing there and watching. I didn’t know why he was crying, I just heard him say it had to do with his parents. I don’t know if he actually said it but it was because his parents divorced but I didn’t know what divorce was yet so if he said it indirectly, I didn’t catch on to that. I thought his parents died. I didn’t understand so I just watched because I didn’t know what to do. Just like when I always saw people crying no matter how aware of what the situation was, thinking in that moment his parents died, I wondered why is he crying. I just watched him crying and wondered when he would finish crying so we could go play.

December 2 2024

Today I had my first day at my new job that I got finally. I even bought myself something after that I really wanted as a reward for myself. It wasn’t that hard, I didn’t expect it to be. I followed one person around while she showed me stuff and she showed me how to do things. It was pretty alright and tomorrow it’s going to be alright too since I’m going to be with my friend. I then got home and broke down crying for about 15 to 30 minutes but that was unrelated. I took a shower and then I was okay.

I also noticed that that day has passed and I didn’t even realize it. I think that means a good thing.

December 3 2024

The second day didn’t really go any faster or slower, just the same. My friend was there today. Talking is fun. At the start I was sort of on the verge of tears for a bit since it wasn’t fun having someone who knows me there seeing me be really stupid. I know how to do some things on my own now though so I was able to be told to do a few things and I could do it on my own. I also want to get my hair cut shorter.

December 11 2024

I’ve been wearing my new glasses for two full days now even though I’ve had them for two weeks because I got scared out of wearing them. Everything was around me when I went out for a walk was way bigger than what I’m used to. I look two feet tall when I looked down and I got scared and cried so I went back inside.

At work for my first time I had something like this happen to me. I was walking back to the part of the store where I work when someone who was in line to pay for his stuff gave me a cucumber he found that was misplaced so I took it to go put it away but I didn’t know where the cucumbers are.

Eve made a new song recently called lazy cat and I love the art. It’s by OFF SCRIPT and I love it. It’s so pretty and they did a sketchy style that when it’s on those really detailed like bright anime super move type shot, it’s so cool. And I love the different things that happen, especially one thing I love is the mailbox with the notification bubble on it.

December 14 2024

I had a mental breakdown today at work. Some small thing a coworker did pissed me off and I thought I calmed down but then I started crying. I remembered at my previous job when I suddenly started crying sometimes and it didn’t take very long for me to calm down so I just kept working. I tried to keep working but it took over an hour and I was still not calming down at all. Since I work at a store, my grandma came by to say hello when she came to shop and so like always I went to say hi. Then I asked if I would be allowed to leave work over a mental breakdown. I couldn’t stop crying for so long it was causing me physical pain and making me lightheaded. I just physically could not work anymore, so she drove me home. I laid in bed all day and kind of fell asleep but didn’t even sleep longer than a few minutes I think. At lunch time I ate my salad I had made for work and I ate it while sitting on the floor in the small space next to my closet. I don’t know why I like sitting in corners and small spaces like that.

December 16 2024

I always did what I’m told and I fix my mistakes how they tell me to but then the next day I always hear someone complaining and shouting. “Who the hell did this!?”

December 21 2024

Yesterday while I was at work, I saw him again. I went to refill the sample bubble and suddenly I heard his voice behind me. When I checked behind me, he was right there. I don’t think he even noticed me since he was facing away and talking to who I assume was probably his grandma. I just grabbed the tray I needed and walked from there as fast as I could. I always laughed about what he did but it scared me badly. Even other times I saw him in real life, I got a little scared but I laughed about it with them. But this time I was completely alone and no one to laugh about it to so I got really scared. I was looking around for him like a radar for a while. I was scared and panicking and I was on the verge of crying for a while.