Crushes

I just rewatched Battle Royale for the third time and it made me think some things. I was rewatching it so that I could better fill in the information for my shrine so it made me notice how multiple characters get a crush on Noriko. She's kind and considerate and everything. Even Kagawa gets a crush on her. That's what it says in the wiki and it definitely looked like it when I watched. He kept protecting her over anyone. He even smiled when he learned her name in the clinic. I'm glad he died feeling fulfilled with what he wanted to figure out.

Anyway, so I noticed how multiple characters get a crush on Noriko. There's Shogo, Nobu and Shuya. That's three. It reminded me of how three people got a crush on me (I believe it was three, I have poor memory sometimes). At least the people who like Noriko are good people. When I was in seventh or eigth grade, a guy in my class confessed to me while we were playing Minecraft. He turned out to be a biggot asshole. Next was when I was around 16 to 17, a guy I was friends with confessed to me. Turns out he was abusing and grooming me (into being his therapist) that whole time. The last wasn't so bad, this person isn't bad. They didn't confess directly, had our mutual friends ask me how I feel all while we were hanging out at the skatepark. I figured it out by the way they suddenly became secretive from me and one of them approached me to ask how I feel about the person. I rejected all three of them for the reason that I just don't feel the same.

Now for more details if you want it. I'll call them all by their order.

First was my classmate in primary school. He was my friend and we played video games together. He was fun to hang out with when I didn't know friends could be more than just playing together. When it happened, we were playing minecraft and he out of nowhere said he likes me and if I want to be his girlfriend. This whole concept was so forein and unknown to me that I felt pressured and made noises until something sounded like yes and he took it. It stopped the next day thankfully when I wasn't so caught off guard and the topic came back up so I said I don't feel like that towards him. It's after that that I noticed how bad he really is. It wasn't the cause, he was like that before. When we were 10 and playing soccer together, my parents overheard him say he wanted to kill me. In eigth grade when my grandpa died, I was playing chess with his brother since he was also my friend. Then First suddenly ruins our game, throws the chess pieces around, while smiling and clapping he says "Congratulations on your grandpa dying!". I told the teacher and he got in trouble x4. In high school, there was a discord server me and my group of friends made for anyone from the school. First was in it and kept making racist and homophobic jokes and used the fact they're jokes as a defence. We tried to get him off but the server owner, despite being our friend, called one of us too emotional. Despite being a moderater, I couldn't even get rid of him because he was made mod too. I also didn't want to get the owner to dislike me, I had a crush on her. (About her in later paragraph.)

Now for Second. He was draining. He was my very first close friend. The type you really talk personally with (like what I'm doing now! I'm lonely.) Any other friend I had before that didn't go past having similar interests, so I was clueless how bad he really was. I had so much fun hanging out with him, more fun than anyone. But when we were a long while deep into our friendship (about a year probably), he vented to me. I vented to him too though so it was mutual. But then long into it, I would get long paragraphs in the middle of nights or waking up to it. So many times he said no one cares about him and no matter how many times I tried to reassure him, he would say I'm lying or just wouldn't believe me. I never had a close friend before, I thought it was all normal. I thought "This really hurts me, but he's not doing okay and I have to be there for him. That's what friends do." One week was terrible. He got a job somewhere and decided hours from 2 hours after school ends until 12 AM. One morning I woke up to a long paragraph acusing me of insulting him. I cried and messaged back that I didn't do that and asked who told him that. His answer was a girl we already know lies a lot, and said another guy said it too. I asked for screenshots but he said they both deleted the messages so he couldn't. That same day I was outside with the usual group to walk to the gas station for energy drinks and he was trying to catch up since we went ahead. I was having fun, just pointed at him and said he's slow. I didn't mean to insult him but he took it as that (and the previous insult acusation was similar in what words were said.) I wasn't thinking about how me joking a bit could've been added to the insult I was accused of saying and he got upset at me again. He even disappeared. During the last break I didn't know where he was and he actually answered when I messaged him asking. I went and sat with him but he was quiet and it was awkward. I only ever realized when he was moved to the city for a bit after he graduated and I went back to school. He never texted first, it was always me. One day I said I was shaking and he wrote "just calm down" so I wrote "I am calm", then it went silent. I didn't text the next day only because I didn't find anything interesting to text about like every other day. It lasted for three weeks. During the three weeks, I complained to my friend about things Second did and he said "That's abuse." and I could only say "Oh". The unreasonable amount of time Second gave me to calm down since he thought "I am calm" was me being angry, it gave me the time to think and when he messaged me again, I was able to say I don't want to be friends anymore with various reasons.

I said I would talk about my own crush, since it happened during the ordeal with Second. I never felt like that before, I realized it only when I had a playlist of lovesongs that I would listen to and think about her. I felt in bliss just being near her. We had one class together and I always tried to sit next to her. I didn't get it half the time but I accepted it. It was in that school server that she made that my thoughts of her started faltering. Turned out we didn't like much of the same things. She always allowed the really mean people to do their thing and called a mod that tried to stop them "emotional" even though I wanted to stop them too. After so long of wondering if she even likes girls, she suddenly annouces that her and a guy in our friend group were dating now. I don't remember how I felt most of the day, I think I cried. I do remember at our lockers that happened to be right next to each other. She casually tells me how she'll have to tell her brother how her and the guy are dating now, and she says bye and leaves. I really don't know how I held up. I don't know how I smiled back at her while my chest physically hurt. As soon as she wouldn't see me anymore, I cried through the school, then on the bus ride, and then at home.

Now Third. Third isn't a bad person, just overwhelming to me personally. Apparently our friend group knew before and were encouraging them to confess to me. When it happened, it was very indirectly but I said sorry I don't feel like that. I just saw them as a friend. After that, some random day in the middle of summer break, I got a message from them asking what my favorite color is. When I answered I never got any reply back. The first week back at school, second gave me two gifts (on seperate days). The first was a pen with a cat on top. I really loved that one but it broke open and dried out eventually. The second gift was a hoodie in one of my favorite colors. I didn't even realize that it was all related to that question until a long time later. They did some things I didn't like, some are insignificant to say. They would jumpscare me sometimes, too much for me. I hate jumpscares. There was one time I was spacing out a bit while leaving school so my vision was blurry. I moved to the side without thinking when I saw a blob of color suddenly move in front of me. It was only after that my vision cleared again and I saw it was Third saying hi, but by suddenly jumping in front of me. I remember that instance the most since I could've bumped into them or something.

Now I wrote so much and almost forgot to write what made me write it. I wondered why do the people who like me end up being not very good or I'm not really interested? Why have I only felt what it's like to have a crush on someone only one time ever, and she ended up not even being very good at all. I just want someone who loves me who I can love back, and we are happy. I want to be happy.